One of the advantages of a move is the new perspective it gives. I am beginning to see things from a different angle now that I’m here in Olympia, Washington. It was not possible in Sacramento nor in Reno, as the old influences were all around me. But now, in this new place, the atmosphere is clear and something new is coming…
My current quest is for a more perfect manifestation of Truth. I am in an inquiry into what is “true” and what is “real”. It is now clear to me that the manifestation of truth consciousness is always unique for each individual who is capable of carrying it. This process is what is requiring me to withdraw from these past influences so that a new and “truer” manifestation has free room to find its own shape.
As many of your know I have been struggling with this emergence of truth consciousness within me. I have been looking for a new way to teach, to manifest that which I am. This started in July of 2007 when this force of Truth came to me and has not left. I did not expect the huge shift that occurred then nor did I want it. Yet it became clear that there is no going back. All my efforts to put the pieces back together, to reenter the old mode have failed. It is like the movement from adolescence back to childhood. Once one leaves there is no going back, at least not successfully, at least until the transition into adulthood is complete.
It is clear there are two levels to this process, inner and outer. In the inner, it is expanding my ability to trust myself. In the Gita it says it is better to follows one’s own path than another’s, even if the other’s seems better. For me this was difficult, as I was utterly devoted to my guru and his mission. I can now see that this surrender had a tamasic component, which caused me to surrender my own truth, obscuring the inner signals that were saying it was time to move on. But it was also true that I was attached to my role as a spiritual teacher. Love and wisdom flowed beautifully and it suited my human needs to be a channel of these forces. But Truth is a harder task master. It requires more of us.
So now I am just learning to walk in this new domain. I am experiencing a new level of uncertainty and anxiety and at times I wobble. But I understand that everything new is fraught with uncertainty in the initial stages; smoke always obscures the fire before it catches and burns brightly. This is the nature of manifestation. The secret is to trust the process and the Divinity within: “I am Divine therefore my actions must be divine”. It is about having faith in who one is and the manifestation process. And it is about standing alone, absolutely alone, if need be. This is Truth’s requirement. There is only one Truth. Love has a beloved and knowledge has its knower, but Truth stands alone. It seems counter to everything I knew and loved from the earlier stages of this journey. That is why I am being challenged on so many levels.
The outer aspect of the process is this separation from all outer structures and people that held in place the old paradigm. This has been the hardest part for me. Misplaced loyalty and a false sense of responsibility kept tricking me. It traces back to hidden patterns that sought recognition and approval from others. I know these are no longer useful and must be discarded. The second part of the outer aspect of the process is the formation of the new structure or shape of this manifestation that is more suitable to my nature, my culture, and the unique possibilities that I carry as an individual.
So this is it. I am in a process of integration; it is an “Integral Yoga” as Sri Aurobindo said. The old must die so the new can arise. What resists this process? Confusion and self doubt; these arise from the hidden attachments and/or desires that cause these “weaknesses of the heart”. This is the hard part. First, uncovering these and second, cutting them with “the axe of strong dispassion”. Love is forgiving, knowledge understands, but Truth cuts. This is the real surgery. I can see it is the nature of manifestation and the power of truth consciousness.